Monday, October 15, 2012

i like poetry


Can you feel it?
Can you feel it everywhere?
In the sunshine on your skin?
In the rain upon your hair?
As it swims through atmosphere,
Into your lungs.
It is love, it is love.
It's an emotion,
A notion,
Undefined by science.
It is the black holes,
And dividing by zeroes,
It cannot be seen,
But it exists.
And sometimes it screams.
And sometimes love whispers.
Can you hear it?
As it echoes,
And reverbs?
Into every single piece of you,
It's every single piece of you.
You are love.
Yes you breathe it,
Can you feel it?
And taste it on your tongue?
The sweet sugar of passionate,
Devotion to everyone.
Feel it running through you,
In your blood, in your veins.
It is everything.
Feel it rip through your bones,
Into tendons and ligaments,
And joints,
And through all the muscle and marrow,
Into every single cell,
Can't you tell?
This is love.
Sending your body into an earthquake,
Bringing you onto your knees,
As the buckle like paper planes,
Dipping in the breeze.
And it spreads through your body like,
A beautiful cancer,
But it's not terrifying,
It's death defying,
It is a miracle.
A wonder drug,
A perfect hug,
Of feeling and affection,
Of pure, honest connection,
And no objections,
To calling it an infection,
In hopes it spreads across the world,
And travels into every single heart.
Let's get sick with love.
Take off your shirts of shallowness
And your pants of pride.
Your hats of haughtiness,
And your socks of sin.
In your nakedness bare your shame,
And humility.
You are human,
Bound to forge mistakes,
And trip and blunder.
Sit and shiver in the forthcoming rains,
Tremble at the thunder.
And then clothe yourself.
Cover yourself anew.
And most of all,
Cover yourself in love,
In love above all things.
Wear it as a coat,
And feel it's beautiful warmth.
Wear it on your feet,
Your shoes,
And always walk in love.
Let love be the ocean that you drown in,
And resurface with new found understanding.
And love is not only for your,
Lover, mother, brother.
But for everyone,
For everyone you like and that you hate,
Because that is love.
When you can offer up a part,
Of your heart to someone who you think,
Does not deserve it all.
That is love,
That is love,
That is love.
So let us love.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

can't sleep. neck hurts. wrote free verse.


I've always wanted to fly to the Moon.
But always the engines, turned on too soon.
Before I broke through gravity,
I tumbled and fell.
Right into the arms,
Of an undercover Hell.
Disguised as romance,
With a mask made of smiles.
Only fools like me,
Wouldn't see through the guile.
Despite lack of chances,
And such failing perceptions.
I'm perfectly flawed,
With insane imperfections.
Unafraid to leap.
Chasing after beauty,
After completion,
Correction.
Running after him,
With no sense of direction.
Lost in thought over thoughts long lost.
Already banked the win,
Before the coin was tossed.
Like a disease spreading through my veins.
Drenching me as if I were in pouring rains.
Drown me in an ocean.
In the sea of your eyes.
Lie to me and say,
That you love me tonight.
Quoting lines from songs so cliché,
Just quoting lines, nothing original to say.
And to say I was afraid,
Was an understatement at the least.
When basic survival penned you down as a need.
So here I am now.
Scribbling in my room.
One pen stroke away,
From an ink laden doom.
Dining on the words,
And sipping from the pen,
Only you could get,
The tip to move again.
So break me into pieces,
Though I swear you already did.
Pray that I don't need this,
I was such a foolish kid. 
Thinking I could maybe fly, a rocket to the Moon.
I'd never get to lift off, if it meant not having you...

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

it's october.


I am different. I’m not who I used to be. And I can’t figure out if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe it’s a part of growing up, or maybe it isn’t.
Change is essential for survival, it’s what keeps the human race going, adapting.
I guess what I hope to keep with me is that I want to be able to look back at how I used to be, I can be proud of who I am, and the things I did to get there, maybe high five my past self for hanging in there. I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and feel like I did well, and that the change was worth it.
I’ve got this. A handle on my life, I mean.
I’m not going to give up or break down or be too hard on myself. From this point on, I’m thinking positively. I’m going to build myself up.
Starting today, things change. Starting today, I’m going to become the opposite of a nobody.

P.S: I had a good day today (: I like making new friends. New, awesome, friends. Friends.

Monday, September 17, 2012

sestina



I watched the making of words
and built a hole in which to fall
in case my soul is taken,
if only broken, but with a tender
heart. Don’t you see the water
flowing down my eyes?

And if only you could see my eyes
because they’re burning with your words
brighter than a July morning. Not even water
could put it out. Because even if I’m falling
your hands are so tender,
even though they’re taking.

I watched you take
away my eyes
the ones you loved, tenderly,
and whispered words
to make me fall.
You became my life, my water.

But the plants you planted weren’t watered
enough for them to grow and take
form. When I realized I had fallen
it was too late. I already closed my eyes,
I was already blind to everything but your words.
You made me tender.

You looked at me in my tender
mind, the moments I played with water.
You hid your knives with words
and slashed the liberty, taken.
I didn’t love your eyes,
but I kept falling.

Even when the leaves became crisp in fall
and the soil under my feet was tender
I still remembered your eyes
and I couldn’t wash you away with water.
I promised myself to never be taken
again by spoken words.

It became like falling and being buried under water
remembering your tender lies taking
until your very eyes burned these words.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

You know when you’re just sitting here and you can feel something coming? You’re not quite sure if it’s good or bad, but it’s something. It’s a feeling that overwhelms, captivates, your brain. 
It takes over leaving hardly any room for anything else. Weirdly enough though, it doesn’t paint a picture. It’s an image, a thought, as blank as can be, but regardless you can’t help but feel like it’s something good… that whatever it is that’s coming your way is good. 
Maybe.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

things i love because i couldn't think of anything else to blog about and this is in no particular order and it is by no means EVERYTHING i love :b


I love standing in the rain and closing my eyes, releasing every thought in my head.
I love spend the night at a campfire with close friends till 4 in the morning.
I love going to a concert and feeling the music through you.
I love soft, warm cookies fresh out of the oven.
I love taking long, warm showers.
I love being cold and then having a bunch of blankets to cuddle up in to stay warm.
I love standing in the middle of a field or the woods in the middle of the summer at night, watching thousands of fireflies light up around me.
I love being distracted from my mind, and actually being able to be happy.
I love just sitting and listening to amazing music for hours.
I love doodling on papers instead of taking notes in class.
I love when we win softball tournaments.
I love going to the beach, but not into the waves.
I love drawing on myself with sharpies.
I love how peaceful under the ocean is.
I love being able to cuddle up with my blanky and heart shaped pillow thingy with arms at night.
I love the feeling I get in my stomach when I'm on a roller coaster.
I love my boyfriend. 
I love adventures.
I love sweatshirt and jeans type of weather.
I love the time of the year when Christmas music becomes acceptable to listen to.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”
— F. Scott Fitzgerald

I seen this quote today. It really made me think. I don't want to feel sad, or unhappy, or depressed any longer. For a long time, I’ve been fighting some really bad crap. I’ve fought the inner demons inside of me, and for the longest time, I thought that I would be this way forever. I couldn’t take the way that I felt. I hated it. However, no matter what I did, I couldn’t shake the dark feeling that loomed over me like a dark rainy cloud. I’ve been working so hard so I could get to a happy point. And it happened, finally. All the sadness, darkness, everything unpleasant isn’t going to be here anymore. I realize that I may not have the best life, and there are going to be things that go wrong, but that doesn't mean that i have to live my life being miserable. I always forget that other people have it worse. I always get to my own head and tell myself that nothing could be worse, and life sucks, yadayada. But in reality, that's totally not right. Nothing's even changed in my life, I just realized that the only thing stopping me from being happy was me and the things I was blaming myself for. I really have absolutly no reason to not just be happy and make the best of things.

So from now on that's exactly what I'm going to do. Things at home are improving, too. Slowly, but surely. With saying that, I still need to get out. The people in the house are improving, but this house holds so many weird memories and it gives off a negative vibe. There is still A LOT of tension and craziness going on, but it is improving. But there are a few of people in my life that I really would like to thank and let you know that just me knowing that you're there for me means more than you know. It's cause of you guys that I actually want to get better, be a better person, be happy. So thank you c: you know who you are.

I can’t tell you how excited I am to finally live, not just exist, and do what I need to do to be the best Kylie Cheslick that I can be.

love and stuff xo

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Life through the Words of Relient K


I had to write a poem for creative writing. What we had to do was pick a band, and create this poem using only the song titles of their songs. It was actually quite fun. I made three of them. Three different bands. This one is the one I'm turning in, and I like it the best, so I will share it with all of you c:


There was another time in my life.
Here I go,/ bite my tongue,/ pressing on.
Falling out,/ breakdown,/ down in flames.
Crayons can melt on us for all I care.
Faking my own suicide,/ deathbed.
Over thinking,/ am I understood?
Less is more.
Those words are not enough.
Where do I go from here?
 Up and up.
Getting into you,/ wake up call.
Forget and not slow down, /the rest is up to you.
At least we made it this far.
Forgiven.
Give until there’s nothing left.
Beaming.
Must have done something right.
Who I am hates who I've been.
No reaction.
I just want you to know,/ I need you.
If you believe me,/ nothing without you.
When you’re around,/ everything will be.
You’ll always be my best friend,/ the best thing.
The last, the lost, the least;/ I’m taking you with me.
From end to end,/ this is the end.
Hope for every fallen man.



Sunday, August 26, 2012

asfdnjnjhgkljfkme

I get so caught up in trying to make everything seem like everything is fine, that I find myself losing myself, as a person. Its a scary feeling to know you are out of control of your own happiness. Especially when all your life you have watched it fall out of your reach countless times. Once I feel like everything is going great, I watch it all crumble into dust. I just can’t win, can I?
I feel so pressured to constantly maintain what my parents want me to be: a girl who has her life all pulled together. But I am nothing close to that. I am anything but that
Is it easy to know you are nothing that your parents and your family intended you to be so you have to put on an act all the time? No.
I am on the rocks, on top of a giant cliff, deciding whether this is even worth it, anymore... you know, to live a life that you should be greatful for; but it's not your life. It is a life everyone has chosen for you. I am in angst that although you are given the life and have no right to destroy it, what happens if it isn’t even your life to live? And that is where people trump me and tell me “You have the choice whether you live it your way or let others run you.” And that is where they are wrong. Because if you were in such overwhelming fear of betraying and disappointing those you love, to the point where you may even be disowned from everyone you have left, you’d understand. 
And I know I can do nothing. I have no control of anything. I’m a mess. And I feel like all I can do is cry. But then I know it isn’t up to everyone’s standards if I show any sign of weakness or vulnerability—they’ll just use it to their advantage. So instead I hide away all my frustration until all of it builds up to the point where I have no choice but to cry. 
It sucks.
I'm sorry my blog has been so depressing lately, it's really not intentional. It's just been weird lately. Life has been weird. Things have not really been going great for me. I just feel like crap all the time. Asfjsdhkgjsfkme. 
Sorry guys. 

Monday, August 20, 2012

sdrfydjjgjtljhiotjhytkojds; life is weird

I want you to shut up. Please shut up. I don’t know where I’m going in life, let me be. 
Stop telling me that I have to decide a major and that I need to go to school right out of high school. 
Stop telling me to believe in certain beliefs. 
Stop telling me how to look. 
I’ll do what I want with my life.
Sure, I’m not as accomplished as everyone else. 
Money doesn’t define anything. 
I could care less that I could end up homeless. 
If I’m happy, I'm fine. 
It’s easier for me to do something that I’m happy about than waste my entire life on some drudgery that won’t bring me any joy.
That’s final. 
So much is on my mind right now…
It’s been like that a lot lately, no one to really talk to about alllll of it.
My mind is where I have all my privacy. I enjoy it that way.
I don’t really know how to describe or say how I feel these days.
It’s just been a really crazy jumbled mess.
So much change… I don’t like any of it.

One of the only things that’s help my sanity is reading, sleeping, music, talking to my favorite people. Which has narrowed down to 3 people already….
I plan on staying up all day.
Mom is at work, Rachel is going to a friends later on in the day, Ryan does what he does, Dad is not here... I don’t think… Pretty sure.

Never drink warm snapple tea… it’s weird, not bad, just, not good.
I should probably be very productive today… Even though I don’t REALLY plan on it.
I plan on ‘escaping’ using my phone & books…


I need a vacation to a different country for a while….
that would feel so nice…


I just miss people… too much.. I think that’s what’s wrong with me.
I haven’t felt the same, It’s not good.
I think I’m done talking now, none of this probably made any sense…


If anyone did read this… Bravo, you just wasted your own time, I wish I could give it back to you. 

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

yup


I am on the very edge of functioning. All of the pieces for happiness are here all around me but it is as if I lost the picture of how this puzzle called life is supposed to fit. So now all I am left with are a hand full of people who I love and trust with my entire soul. A couple of people with whom I feel entirely safe. And one person who I never wish to lose. I am stuck in the limbo of the feeling that something incredible is about to occour. The edge of a cliff when you still can choose not to jump. I fear I may always be deciding wither or not to jump. I am afraid of change, not in the usual sense though. Change once chosen can never be undone which I have come to understand too much. I hope that jumping is the correct choice because I am going in head first no matter what. I hope the exilarating feeling of letting everything go is worth the guilt that will follow soon after.
So this is it, now I will take the fall.

so now here is a picture of the sky.


Wednesday, August 1, 2012

this is gravity,
the tongue-tied brush
of a plastic heart (beauty
wrapped around fingertips
in waiting, will you
come?
)
to you, apart, the feeling
beneath my feet
is soft as the oats sowed,
slow, in the years passed;
once, you wrote the
skies onto the backs
of my hands
and upon my
penned arms
and stippled legs
to say,
“This is you,
this is you,
this is
you.”

Sunday, July 29, 2012

musica.

some songs that i've been so obsessed with.. 






yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Light.

Sort of a short stort, kind of.. I don't really know what it is.
I actually don't even remember when it was that I wrote it.. 
Just sort of forgot about it and just found in in my Word docs..


Long, long ago, Earth was wandering among the stars in the deep black. She was alone and scared, until she found Light. With Light, Earth glowed with brilliant colors and warmth, dispelling her fears of the unending darkness. Because of Light, Earth no longer needed to wander, and she nestled herself against Light and the two anchored each other in place. Now, Time was a jealous man. He was the eternal being of the darkness and he was furious that Earth and Light dare refuse his control and that they dared stop traveling the cosmos through time. In his fury, he ripped apart as many extensions of Light that he could find, throwing the universe into a deeper darkness. But Light was everywhere, and despite Time’s destruction, fragments of Light were spared and littered across the vast, black sea. Thus the stars were born. But after his long travel, Time finally reached Earth and Light. He demanded that Light tear himself apart from Earth so that Earth may continue to roam. The two of them refused, exclaiming that they loved each other. Alone and bitter, for Time outlasted everything else, he cursed them both for holding onto each other. He held Light tightly and tore him into two. The larger piece became the Sun, and the smaller became the Moon. To punish Earth, he allowed her to stay anchored where she was, but took a hold of her and spun her violently. He cursed her and admired her altogether. In his loathing, he told her that she would forever spin in circles, and that when she faced the Sun, she would burn up with Light’s love for her, but after awhile she would have to turn away and feel the same cold loneliness, the same cold darkness that Time had to face. And thus the Day and the Night were born. And with his curse, Time fled to the deepest of the darkness at the center of the galaxy. Sun, being so far away from Earth, wept for he could no longer hold her close and that his light could not kiss her skin right away. But Earth smiled back and reassured him that Time had not won, for when she faced away for the night time, Moon would glow with the light from Sun. And so by Day, Earth reached towards Sun with beautiful green leaves that grew even closer to him with the wind. And by Night, her oceans crashed towards Moon in hopes of catching a taste of Sun’s light. Regardless, wherever she was, Earth was not alone. She would always have Light.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

haha, i'm emotional.
one minute i'm all happy.
and the next i'm crying.
being a girl is stupid sometimes. haha
yup.
i don't know why i'm blogging this though.
i want to go to the zoo and dance in the rain and read a book on the beach.
that was random.
i feel sick.
sort of.
weird.
dreams are weird.
i had a scary dream last night.
like, scary scary.
meow.
goodday.

p.s i hate acne and i wish it would die right now just saying

please read the disclaimer first.

Tonight has been weird. Like, really weird. And somethings have reminded me of this poem. Not that tonight I felt the way I did when I wrote this, because I don't think I could ever feel this way again, but just memories.

Disclaimer: I wrote this poem a little before Sophomore year. I had not been saved, and I pretty much thought that my life was just spiraling out of control. So there are some curse words in this that I could block out of it, but without it, the poem doesn't have as much feeling as it should. Did. So don't mind those, I am very sorry if they offend anyone. And parts of this is quite, I don't really know the word for it, I guess it just get's quite vulgar in more ways than just the language. It talks about things that a lot of people would consider quite obscene. But to those that don't like those things, this is just a warning that they're there. And to those that know me, and well everyone, I don't think like this about myself anymore. And I don't use this language. But when I wrote this, I did. Obviously. 

Therapy

Ahem.
Let me have your attention.
As we begin this session.
Lie down please,
Get comfortable.
This won't pass with ease.
Look inside your head,
And all the things you did.
Were you even thinking?
It's like the light bulb was never lit.
Burned out,
You've burned out this time.
It's sensational,
Congratulations.
Once again,
You've done it grand.
Messed up,
Screwed up,
Fucked up,
Everything.
Where is your head?
C'mon, where is your head?
Oh you blame it on the chest?
I confess,
I understand,
But that's just an excuse at best.
And all your self-loathing,
And self-directed anger,
Cannot compensate the fact,
You've put so much in danger.
Danger.
You're not thinking straight.
Don't ask for pity,
Just wallow in self-hate.
Forgiveness won't come easily,
Nor in any real dosage.
For all the misled actions,
Now here comes a token.
And sure you can blame the fact,
That you're so completely enamored but that,
Won't you get you out of it this time.
Especially how you always whine,
That your heart deserved it.
No,
Your heart deserves shit.
That's what you get,
For the way you handled everything.
So blind in determination,
Now where will you find salvation?
You only deserve damnation,
Possibly physical elimination,
From the minds of those,
That you've done wrong.
If this were music,
It'd be a siren song.
You're confused,
And wanting,
I understand.
But what you've done,
Is haunting,
You can't take it back.
Take it back.
I bet you wish you could.
And back in time, I wish you would.
But you didn't.
So that's where the problem comes.
It's embarrassing that you never learn.
You're a second hand sinner, the last song to sing.
Back it up, back up for everything.
Damn it all,
And damn it again.
There you go,
Smashing it all to bits.
Are you satisfied?
With the damage you caused?
Yeah I thought so,
I thought not.
What's inside your skull?
Is there even something there?
Or is it simply a cave,
Covered by your hair?
Disappear?
We all wish you would.
Fucking disappear.
Perhaps you should.
You're thick and narrow minded,
And honestly I despise it.
I despise every inch,
Every atom,
Every cell.
Don't you dare ask for reprieve,
When you deserve this hell.
What's gotten into you?
Who have you become?
You're turning into the person,
You've hated since day one.
I hope that guilt settles in,
Like a rock in your stomach.
And I hope to God,
You never recover from it.
I hope it ties to your ankle,
Like an anchor out at sea.
And your lungs start to burn,
As you swallow everything,
That you said,
Didn't say,
And should've said.
You've become a poison,
I can't let you spread.
Tonight,
If you sleep.
(Because sleep shouldn't be a guarantee.)
I hope you dream,
Of every little scene.
Every little moment,
Where you got lost in your own self.
And I hope you wake up,
With this feeling,
In the bottom of your gut,
That throws you in a rut,
And keeps your mouth shut.
I hope you wake up,
With this feeling,
That clings to you like a ghost.
And tortures you because,
You tortured those you love most.
Ahem.
Thank you for your attention.
We have now concluded this session.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Again, this was written about two years ago. My head wasn't really on straight at the time, and this is how I vented. Poetry. And yes, I used to think like this, and I used to be quite messed up. But with help, I am no longer that way. 
Now, this doesn't mean that I don't struggle with anything, because believe me, I do. 
Sometimes I get so caught up in my past, and I think about why this all even happened,
but I need to learn to let it go,
because I am NOT that person anymore.
I am trying to not be so hard on myself though.
And I'm making progress,
slowly but surely. 
(:



Monday, July 23, 2012

something in the stars.

so i realized that i literally haven't posted a poem in ages.
i wrote this like, a few months agoo.



There's something in the stars,
Tonight they gleam,
So devilishly.
In this vastness,
Across blackness,
What are we?
The question skims,
And scans across the,
Electrical signals,
Epiphany tingles,
In the backs of our heads.
What is our place among the cosmos?
We are human,
So fragile,
So mortal.
We live in a deception that,
Nothing but us,
Can escape the inevitable death,
That is the follower of creation.
Listen to the drumbeat,
Of the night sky.
Does it lie?
Tell me,
Does it lie?
The diamonds you see,
Have most likely,
Long since died.
Eons later,
Are we seeing their light.
Not even the stars,
So iridescent,
And temporary,
Can outrun the clutches,
The black hole,
Of the end.
There is an end.
For everything,
And everyone.
Stand on this planet.
Kiss the air,
And caress the wind.
What are you finding?
The echoes of an impending fortune,
Read the day we took our first steps.
Everything ends.
Everything ends.
We fight battles,
Every moment of consciousness.
But that doesn't give us confidence,
Because who can be confident?
When they are staring the truth in the eyes.
It does not lie.
It is a whisper in the skin,
And a screaming in the bones.
That we left from someplace else,
And one day we'll come home.
I cannot tell,
If it is in another time,
Or ours.
But tonight I can feel something different,
There is something in the stars.

opinions? c: