Thursday, July 26, 2012

please read the disclaimer first.

Tonight has been weird. Like, really weird. And somethings have reminded me of this poem. Not that tonight I felt the way I did when I wrote this, because I don't think I could ever feel this way again, but just memories.

Disclaimer: I wrote this poem a little before Sophomore year. I had not been saved, and I pretty much thought that my life was just spiraling out of control. So there are some curse words in this that I could block out of it, but without it, the poem doesn't have as much feeling as it should. Did. So don't mind those, I am very sorry if they offend anyone. And parts of this is quite, I don't really know the word for it, I guess it just get's quite vulgar in more ways than just the language. It talks about things that a lot of people would consider quite obscene. But to those that don't like those things, this is just a warning that they're there. And to those that know me, and well everyone, I don't think like this about myself anymore. And I don't use this language. But when I wrote this, I did. Obviously. 


Let me have your attention.
As we begin this session.
Lie down please,
Get comfortable.
This won't pass with ease.
Look inside your head,
And all the things you did.
Were you even thinking?
It's like the light bulb was never lit.
Burned out,
You've burned out this time.
It's sensational,
Once again,
You've done it grand.
Messed up,
Screwed up,
Fucked up,
Where is your head?
C'mon, where is your head?
Oh you blame it on the chest?
I confess,
I understand,
But that's just an excuse at best.
And all your self-loathing,
And self-directed anger,
Cannot compensate the fact,
You've put so much in danger.
You're not thinking straight.
Don't ask for pity,
Just wallow in self-hate.
Forgiveness won't come easily,
Nor in any real dosage.
For all the misled actions,
Now here comes a token.
And sure you can blame the fact,
That you're so completely enamored but that,
Won't you get you out of it this time.
Especially how you always whine,
That your heart deserved it.
Your heart deserves shit.
That's what you get,
For the way you handled everything.
So blind in determination,
Now where will you find salvation?
You only deserve damnation,
Possibly physical elimination,
From the minds of those,
That you've done wrong.
If this were music,
It'd be a siren song.
You're confused,
And wanting,
I understand.
But what you've done,
Is haunting,
You can't take it back.
Take it back.
I bet you wish you could.
And back in time, I wish you would.
But you didn't.
So that's where the problem comes.
It's embarrassing that you never learn.
You're a second hand sinner, the last song to sing.
Back it up, back up for everything.
Damn it all,
And damn it again.
There you go,
Smashing it all to bits.
Are you satisfied?
With the damage you caused?
Yeah I thought so,
I thought not.
What's inside your skull?
Is there even something there?
Or is it simply a cave,
Covered by your hair?
We all wish you would.
Fucking disappear.
Perhaps you should.
You're thick and narrow minded,
And honestly I despise it.
I despise every inch,
Every atom,
Every cell.
Don't you dare ask for reprieve,
When you deserve this hell.
What's gotten into you?
Who have you become?
You're turning into the person,
You've hated since day one.
I hope that guilt settles in,
Like a rock in your stomach.
And I hope to God,
You never recover from it.
I hope it ties to your ankle,
Like an anchor out at sea.
And your lungs start to burn,
As you swallow everything,
That you said,
Didn't say,
And should've said.
You've become a poison,
I can't let you spread.
If you sleep.
(Because sleep shouldn't be a guarantee.)
I hope you dream,
Of every little scene.
Every little moment,
Where you got lost in your own self.
And I hope you wake up,
With this feeling,
In the bottom of your gut,
That throws you in a rut,
And keeps your mouth shut.
I hope you wake up,
With this feeling,
That clings to you like a ghost.
And tortures you because,
You tortured those you love most.
Thank you for your attention.
We have now concluded this session.


Again, this was written about two years ago. My head wasn't really on straight at the time, and this is how I vented. Poetry. And yes, I used to think like this, and I used to be quite messed up. But with help, I am no longer that way. 
Now, this doesn't mean that I don't struggle with anything, because believe me, I do. 
Sometimes I get so caught up in my past, and I think about why this all even happened,
but I need to learn to let it go,
because I am NOT that person anymore.
I am trying to not be so hard on myself though.
And I'm making progress,
slowly but surely.