“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”
— F. Scott Fitzgerald

I seen this quote today. It really made me think. I don't want to feel sad, or unhappy, or depressed any longer. For a long time, I’ve been fighting some really bad crap. I’ve fought the inner demons inside of me, and for the longest time, I thought that I would be this way forever. I couldn’t take the way that I felt. I hated it. However, no matter what I did, I couldn’t shake the dark feeling that loomed over me like a dark rainy cloud. I’ve been working so hard so I could get to a happy point. And it happened, finally. All the sadness, darkness, everything unpleasant isn’t going to be here anymore. I realize that I may not have the best life, and there are going to be things that go wrong, but that doesn't mean that i have to live my life being miserable. I always forget that other people have it worse. I always get to my own head and tell myself that nothing could be worse, and life sucks, yadayada. But in reality, that's totally not right. Nothing's even changed in my life, I just realized that the only thing stopping me from being happy was me and the things I was blaming myself for. I really have absolutly no reason to not just be happy and make the best of things.

So from now on that's exactly what I'm going to do. Things at home are improving, too. Slowly, but surely. With saying that, I still need to get out. The people in the house are improving, but this house holds so many weird memories and it gives off a negative vibe. There is still A LOT of tension and craziness going on, but it is improving. But there are a few of people in my life that I really would like to thank and let you know that just me knowing that you're there for me means more than you know. It's cause of you guys that I actually want to get better, be a better person, be happy. So thank you c: you know who you are.

I can’t tell you how excited I am to finally live, not just exist, and do what I need to do to be the best Kylie Cheslick that I can be.

love and stuff xo

Life through the Words of Relient K

I had to write a poem for creative writing. What we had to do was pick a band, and create this poem using only the song titles of their songs. It was actually quite fun. I made three of them. Three different bands. This one is the one I'm turning in, and I like it the best, so I will share it with all of you c:

There was another time in my life.

Here I go,/ bite my tongue,/ pressing on.

Falling out,/ breakdown,/ down in flames.

Crayons can melt on us for all I care.

Faking my own suicide,/ deathbed.

Over thinking,/ am I understood?

Less is more.

Those words are not enough.

Where do I go from here?

 Up and up.

Getting into you,/ wake up call.

Forget and not slow down, /the rest is up to you.

At least we made it this far.

Forgiven.

Give until there’s nothing left.

Beaming.

Must have done something right.

Who I am hates who I've been.

No reaction.

I just want you to know,/ I need you.

If you believe me,/ nothing without you.

When you’re around,/ everything will be.

You’ll always be my best friend,/ the best thing.

The last, the lost, the least;/ I’m taking you with me.

From end to end,/ this is the end.

Hope for every fallen man.

asfdnjnjhgkljfkme

I get so caught up in trying to make everything seem like everything is fine, that I find myself losing myself, as a person. Its a scary feeling to know you are out of control of your own happiness. Especially when all your life you have watched it fall out of your reach countless times. Once I feel like everything is going great, I watch it all crumble into dust. I just can’t win, can I?

I feel so pressured to constantly maintain what my parents want me to be: a girl who has her life all pulled together. But I am nothing close to that. I am anything but that. 

Is it easy to know you are nothing that your parents and your family intended you to be so you have to put on an act all the time? No.

I am on the rocks, on top of a giant cliff, deciding whether this is even worth it, anymore... you know, to live a life that you should be greatful for; but it's not your life. It is a life everyone has chosen for you. I am in angst that although you are given the life and have no right to destroy it, what happens if it isn’t even your life to live? And that is where people trump me and tell me “You have the choice whether you live it your way or let others run you.” And that is where they are wrong. Because if you were in such overwhelming fear of betraying and disappointing those you love, to the point where you may even be disowned from everyone you have left, you’d understand. 

And I know I can do nothing. I have no control of anything. I’m a mess. And I feel like all I can do is cry. But then I know it isn’t up to everyone’s standards if I show any sign of weakness or vulnerability—they’ll just use it to their advantage. So instead I hide away all my frustration until all of it builds up to the point where I have no choice but to cry. 

It sucks.

I'm sorry my blog has been so depressing lately, it's really not intentional. It's just been weird lately. Life has been weird. Things have not really been going great for me. I just feel like crap all the time. Asfjsdhkgjsfkme. 

Sorry guys. 

sdrfydjjgjtljhiotjhytkojds; life is weird

I want you to shut up. Please shut up. I don’t know where I’m going in life, let me be. 
Stop telling me that I have to decide a major and that I need to go to school right out of high school. 
Stop telling me to believe in certain beliefs. 
Stop telling me how to look. 
I’ll do what I want with my life.

Sure, I’m not as accomplished as everyone else. 
Money doesn’t define anything. 
I could care less that I could end up homeless. 
If I’m happy, I'm fine. 
It’s easier for me to do something that I’m happy about than waste my entire life on some drudgery that won’t bring me any joy.

That’s final. 

So much is on my mind right now…

It’s been like that a lot lately, no one to really talk to about alllll of it.

My mind is where I have all my privacy. I enjoy it that way.

I don’t really know how to describe or say how I feel these days.

It’s just been a really crazy jumbled mess.

So much change… I don’t like any of it.

One of the only things that’s help my sanity is reading, sleeping, music, talking to my favorite people. Which has narrowed down to 3 people already….

I plan on staying up all day.

Mom is at work, Rachel is going to a friends later on in the day, Ryan does what he does, Dad is not here... I don’t think… Pretty sure.

Never drink warm snapple tea… it’s weird, not bad, just, not good.

I should probably be very productive today… Even though I don’t REALLY plan on it.

I plan on ‘escaping’ using my phone & books…

I need a vacation to a different country for a while….

that would feel so nice…

I just miss people… too much.. I think that’s what’s wrong with me.

I haven’t felt the same, It’s not good.

I think I’m done talking now, none of this probably made any sense…

If anyone did read this… Bravo, you just wasted your own time, I wish I could give it back to you. 

yup

I am on the very edge of functioning. All of the pieces for happiness are here all around me but it is as if I lost the picture of how this puzzle called life is supposed to fit. So now all I am left with are a hand full of people who I love and trust with my entire soul. A couple of people with whom I feel entirely safe. And one person who I never wish to lose. I am stuck in the limbo of the feeling that something incredible is about to occour. The edge of a cliff when you still can choose not to jump. I fear I may always be deciding wither or not to jump. I am afraid of change, not in the usual sense though. Change once chosen can never be undone which I have come to understand too much. I hope that jumping is the correct choice because I am going in head first no matter what. I hope the exilarating feeling of letting everything go is worth the guilt that will follow soon after.

So this is it, now I will take the fall.

so now here is a picture of the sky.

this is gravity,

the tongue-tied brush
of a plastic heart (beauty
wrapped around fingertips
in waiting, will you
come?)

to you, apart, the feeling
beneath my feet
is soft as the oats sowed,
slow, in the years passed;
once, you wrote the
skies onto the backs
of my hands
and upon my
penned arms
and stippled legs
to say,

“This is you,
this is you,
this is
you.”