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I get so caught up in trying to make everything seem like everything is fine, that I find myself losing myself, as a person. Its a scary feeling to know you are out of control of your own happiness. Especially when all your life you have watched it fall out of your reach countless times. Once I feel like everything is going great, I watch it all crumble into dust. I just can’t win, can I?

I feel so pressured to constantly maintain what my parents want me to be: a girl who has her life all pulled together. But I am nothing close to that. I am anything but that. 

Is it easy to know you are nothing that your parents and your family intended you to be so you have to put on an act all the time? No.

I am on the rocks, on top of a giant cliff, deciding whether this is even worth it, anymore... you know, to live a life that you should be greatful for; but it's not your life. It is a life everyone has chosen for you. I am in angst that although you are given the life and have no right to destroy it, what happens if it isn’t even your life to live? And that is where people trump me and tell me “You have the choice whether you live it your way or let others run you.” And that is where they are wrong. Because if you were in such overwhelming fear of betraying and disappointing those you love, to the point where you may even be disowned from everyone you have left, you’d understand. 

And I know I can do nothing. I have no control of anything. I’m a mess. And I feel like all I can do is cry. But then I know it isn’t up to everyone’s standards if I show any sign of weakness or vulnerability—they’ll just use it to their advantage. So instead I hide away all my frustration until all of it builds up to the point where I have no choice but to cry. 

It sucks.

I'm sorry my blog has been so depressing lately, it's really not intentional. It's just been weird lately. Life has been weird. Things have not really been going great for me. I just feel like crap all the time. Asfjsdhkgjsfkme. 

Sorry guys.